you’re not behind: letting go of constant comparison in your 20s and 30s
There’s a quiet pressure that creeps in for many people in their late twenties and thirties. It might begin with friends getting engaged, baby announcements on social media, or conversations about mortgage rates and promotions. Without even realising it, you might start to judge your own life and ask, “Am I behind?”
In the therapy room, I often hear people wondering:
“Should I be married by now?”
“Everyone else seems to have it figured out.”
“I thought I’d feel more settled by this age.”
This kind of comparison can feel relentless and it’s not just about relationships and family, but careers, bodies, finances, travel, even how we spend our weekends. We measure ourselves against others and come up short, even when we know that everyone’s life is different.
the myth of the timeline
Somewhere along the way, many of us absorb this “prescribed” life schedule: study, fall in love, get married, buy a house, have children, find career fulfilment and have this all neatly wrapped up by our mid-thirties. But often real life doesn’t follow this script. People change paths, leave relationships, face fertility struggles, fall out of love with their careers, struggle with finances or simply grow in different directions.
These deviations from the “norm” can be rich and meaningful but when viewed through the lens of comparison, they can also feel like failure. And that can bring shame, self-doubt, and anxiety.
what makes it worse: the social media mirror
Social media has intensified this pressure in quiet but powerful ways. Platforms like Instagram, TikTok and LinkedIn show us curated versions of other people’s lives – often their happiest, most photogenic, most socially approved moments. Engagements, pregnancies, promotions, new homes, even “slow living” aesthetics – all appear in quick succession, creating the illusion that everyone else is progressing effortlessly.
The algorithms reinforce it. Pause on one wedding photo, and you're shown more. Linger on a pregnancy reel, and the feed shifts to amplify it. Before long, it can feel like everyone is hitting milestones, except you.
But these platforms are not neutral mirrors. They’re engineered highlight reels, reflecting a filtered slice of life rather than its full reality. And yet, we internalise what we see, often without meaning to. We begin to compare not just occasionally, but habitually, against a standard that isn’t even real.
Over time, this can create a sense of inadequacy. Not because anything is wrong with you, but because you’re comparing your whole, complex and, sometimes messy, human life to someone else’s edited moments.
comparison as a form of self-protection
It’s important to say: comparing ourselves to others is entirely human. It helps us orient ourselves and make sense of our place in the world. But when it becomes constant, especially in a digital environment designed to provoke it, it can keep us stuck.
Often, comparison is less about envy and more about fear. Fear of missing out, of making the wrong choice, of falling behind. It’s a way of trying to find control in an unpredictable world. But it rarely brings peace.
what if you’re not behind at all?
One of the most powerful ideas therapy can offer is this: you’re allowed to go at your own pace. There is no universal timeline for a meaningful life.
The path you’re on, with its pauses, setbacks and reroutes, is not inferior. It’s simply yours. And often, the richest growth happens in the space between where you thought you’d be and where you are.
In therapy, I work with people to gently unpick the narratives they’ve inherited: about success, love, timing, and value. We make space for grief, for the life they thought they’d have, and curiosity about the one that’s unfolding instead and what matters most to them.
practices for letting go of comparison
notice your triggers: What people, situations, or online spaces stir up feelings of “not-enoughness”? Awareness is the first step, and it creates choice.
pause before the spiral: When you feel the familiar tug of comparison, gently ask: What do I need right now? Reassurance? Rest? A break from scrolling?
reconnect to your values: What actually matters to you? Not what’s expected of you. What brings you meaning, connection and makes you feel more grounded within yourself?
talk through it: You’re not the only one feeling this. Many people silently wonder if they’re falling behind. Naming it, in therapy, or with trusted friends, can ease the shame.
you’re already becoming
This time of life is often framed as a transition – from who you were to who you’re becoming. That becoming doesn’t happen on a set schedule. It’s rarely linear but it’s deeply worthwhile.
You are not behind. You are living a real, human life – complex, in motion, and worthy of kindness.