there’s no right way to grieve: making space for loss and life
Grief doesn’t follow a straight line. It doesn’t move through tidy stages or resolve on a set timeline. However, many people I work with come to therapy wondering if they’re grieving “properly” - whether they’re doing it too slowly, too quickly, or not in the right way.
The truth is, there is no right way to grieve. Grief is as individual as the relationship that was lost – shaped by that unique history and the way we make sense of the world. More often than not, grief is messier, more cyclical, and more tender than we’re led to believe.
the protest of loss
When we lose someone, whether through death, a breakup, a miscarriage, or another kind of ending, we may encounter a deep inner protest. A part of us that can’t yet accept what’s happened. This part might resist the idea that “time heals all”, as if accepting the passage of time would mean letting go of the person or the relationship we so deeply valued.
This protest is a normal and meaningful part of grief. I’ve seen it often, in bereavement work and in my own experience. It can show up as anger, yearning, disbelief, or a looping preoccupation with memories and what-ifs. In the early stages, the loss can feel all-consuming – as though everything else in life is now coloured by it.
tonkin’s model: life grows around grief
One model I return to often in my work is Lois Tonkin’s “Growing Around Grief.” Rather than suggesting grief fades with time, Tonkin proposed that grief stays the same size, but your life gradually begins to grow around it.
At first, the pain takes up all the space. Imagining a time when it won’t feel that way can seem impossible. But slowly, often without us realising it, other parts of life begin to expand – moments of connection, small joys, quiet resilience. The grief is still there, but it no longer fills the whole picture.
This idea often brings relief. It allows us to honour the ongoing presence of grief without feeling like we’re failing to “move on.” It also acknowledges that grief may become more vivid at certain times – anniversaries, returning to familiar places, or unexpected reminders. But over time, we begin to carry the grief more gently, and with a little more space around it.
the dual process model: loss and life in parallel
The Dual Process Model of Grief (Stroebe & Schut) also offers a helpful lens. It suggests that healthy grieving involves oscillating between:
loss-oriented coping - feeling the pain, remembering, mourning
restoration-oriented coping - adjusting to life, reconnecting with the present, finding new routines and meaning
This back-and-forth is part of the healing process. Some days we feel engulfed by sorrow; other days we might find ourselves laughing with a friend or engaging with something that reminds us of life beyond the loss. Neither is more “correct” than the other. Both are necessary.
there’s no formula – only what’s right for you
Whether your loss was recent or years ago, whether it was expected or sudden - your grief is valid and deeply personal. It doesn’t need to be tidy or logical. You don’t need to follow a five-step process or reach a certain milestone by a particular time.
Some people find comfort in rituals or memory work; others prefer space and quiet. For some, grief is shared and spoken; for others, it's deeply internal. We each grieve in the way that fits the meaning of what we've lost – and what we hoped might still have been possible.
Grief is not about forgetting. It’s about learning how to carry what has changed – and how to live alongside it.
you’re not alone in this
If you’re grieving, you are not broken – you’re human. And you don’t have to do it alone.
In therapy, there is room for your grief to be exactly as it is. Together, we can hold space for the pain, the protest, the love, and the gradual possibility of life growing around it.